How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
