i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
