I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
