I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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