I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
