I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
