the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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