The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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