I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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