Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i jhust puked up my retainher.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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