a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dick very happy bro
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
