Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
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This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize