I think I just saw someone hide a body.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
