you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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