They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
