My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I looked at my own cervix.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
