i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
