my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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