The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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