im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"