This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
