I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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