I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
