I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
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You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
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I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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