Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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