Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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