I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
