i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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