Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
