Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
