i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
What a dumb baby whore.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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