The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
