dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
