When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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