I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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