New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
