VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
