finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
