I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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