just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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