yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
