We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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