don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm like, not good at living.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
