he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
