and my herpes radar will keep us safe
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
