did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
