did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
