Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
