she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
