Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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