I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
