i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
