my phone needs a breathalizer
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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