Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
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She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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