you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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