I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Let the clothes fall where they may.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
