I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
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I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
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THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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