a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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